What can't potatoes do?

My taxes, fix the economy, start a band...

Those are all unreasonable expectations for little spuds. It's okay potatoes, one thing you can do is SOUP. And you're damn good at it too!

Potato, Fennel, Carrot and Jalapeno soup to be specific! 

Potato soup is one of the greatest comfort foods in the world. Thick, creamy, starchy, it's like a big bowl of cozy. I'm telling you, the only thing that mimics the feeling of true love is cheesy potato soup. Today it was really gross outside in Boston. Yesterday it was 90 degrees and humid as shit; today, it's pouring and 66. What the living hell is that? However, today I also picked up my weekly batch of veggies from my CSA share and we got (you guessed it!) potatoes and fennel, among many other things, but those are important for now. Here are the beauties that went into the soup!

Scope those 'taters

Potato soup is one of the easiest comfort foods there is; you can really make a decent one with only potatoes, stock, and milk. BUT if you really wanna up the ante there's lotsa tasty-as-heck things you can add to the mix. I tried something new this time when I got that big 'ol fennel that you can see in the back there. Fennel, if ya aren't already aware, is a funny little bulb that's actually related to carrots. It smells A BUNCH like licorice, which I just happen to adore. Many people don't like licorice much, but sometimes, with the right care, fennel can actually be super great. I have become a big fan of it, especially because I found out it's a primary ingredient in Absinthe; and that's just cool. 

Once upon a time tripping balls via alcohol was totally accepted. Sweet.

Regardless of it purposes as a hallucinogenic spirit, fennel is healthy, can be eaten raw or cooked, and both the bulb itself and the frond have uses. All around, it's a great vegetable, and worth taking the time to mess with. It became a unique and really delicious addition to potato soup, adding another level of sweet notes and slight bite underneath all that creaminess. SO GOOD.

Because BACON BITS AND CHEESE, THAT'S WHY. 

Potato, Fennel, and Jalapeno Soup

Takes roughly 45 minutes

Makes about 6 bowls for a meal or 12 as a side. It saves and reheats well.

2 tablespoons olive oil

2 carrots sliced

3 large potatoes or 5 smaller potatoes chopped

1 bulb fennel sliced thinly

2 jalapeno peppers diced (optional)

3 cloves garlic minced

1/2 a yellow onion chopped

1/2 tablespoon cayenne (optional)

3 - 3 1/2 cups veggie or chicken broth. (If you like your potato soup really thick opt for the smaller amount) 

1/2 cup milk (Optional) (Soy/Almond could probably be substituted as well. I haven't personally tried but I don't see why not!)

Salt and pepper to taste

Delicious shredded cheese: cheddar, gruyere, and mozzarella work best, and bacon bits (usually vegan) or bacon that has been crisped up and broken into pieces for sprinkling on top. 

-Add the olive oil to the pot and get it warmed up over a medium flame in a big soup pot. (Get yourself a soup/chili/big batches of B.B.Q. sauce pot if you don't already have one. It is so so worth the investment.)

-Toss in those onions and garlic, and sautee them until they're fragrant (only about two minutes). Then add in the carrots, fennel, and jalapenos. Cook the veggies for a few minutes until they are soft but not browning. 

-Add the potatoes and broth into the mix and crank it up to boiling.  Return to a medium flame and allow the whole mix to bubble until the potatoes are cooked and soft enough to poke a fork through without resistance.  

-Remove the soup from heat and allow it to cool to the point where it is no longer steaming, unless you have a sweet Vitamix and can add hot stuff right to your blender. I usually wait until it's warm but not scalding. Add roughly half of the soup to your blender and blend blend blend until it looks smooth and creamy. Dump the blended soup back into the pot and mix it all together. Add in the milk if you are using it and give it another good stir. I like my soup with a little kick in the ass so I add a bit of Cayenne on top of the Jalapenos. I recommend it if you don't have an aversion to spiciness. The creaminess of the soup is offset really well by a kick of heat. 

-Toss in a hearty dose of salt and ground black pepper then serve out and top with bacon/bacon bits and cheese and PRESTO, you got yourself a cozy, warm bowl of deliciousness. ENJOY! 

It's slow as shit and it'll scare your pants off

"IT FOLLOWS"
2014
Director: David Robert Mitchell
Language: English
Is it on NETFLIX?: Nope. Bummer. Sorry dudes.

The Basics: You bang a stranger and what do you get? Well in this case not quite a STD, but instead the world's slowest moving demon. Think ju-on if she REALLY took her time getting to you. But I'll be damned if the thing ain't persistent. We can all learn something from that I guess.

I'm going to level with you all. This one got to me. Like the first movie that really truly got to me in a while. I am so goddamn happy that this ambient horror aesthetic is in. I FREAKIN' LOVE IT. This is the second horror flick I've seen recently that features Detroit as it's location, the other being "Only Lovers Left Alive". I'm into it. Like reallyyyyy into it. Detroit's backdrop in these movies is much like the New York of movies made in the 70's and 80's. Seemingly lawless, sad and empty feeling, and perfect for the sense of lonely terror that "It Follows" deserved.
It begins with a "Juno"-esque group of friends. The awkwardness of dating, slipping quickly into the realization that the main girl has caught, in my opinion, something FAR WORSE than your run of the mill herpes. The idea of something slowly and consistently making it's way closer, and closer, and closer to you and there is nothing you can do to stop it, that shit is TERRIFYING. It could be anywhere. Like, any time. You can't sleep (well, not for long). Imagine being in the shower at the wrong time? Or on the toilet?? Man, no thanks.
I really like to pretend I'm this wonderful survivalist that would figure a way out of any ghost/slasher/living evil doll situation that could possibly come up. I'm not, but it causes me to always want all the facts. I had a lot of questions for this...demon? Is it a demon? A ghost? Dunno, guess it doesn't matter. I had most of those questions answered in the long run. My questions are as (it) follows. The next part is a kind of SPOILER, so skip if need be:

1. If I get on a plane, how long will it take to catch up?
2. If I cross an ocean, does it walk along the ocean floor? Will fish bump into it?
3. Why is it so often naked....?
4. If it basically can't be killed, why can it (seemingly) be hurt? False sense of security? To freak people out? YA' DID A GOOD JOB OF THAT.

Okay, done with SPOILERS. 

I ruin everything with a constant line of questioning.
A lot of these were answered, some were not. When it really comes down to it I was just left with a semi-permanent sense of nervousness. I imagine walking my dog at night and turning around and seeing a figure lumbering toward me, and I actually freak myself out. Standing in my backyard while my dog wizzes on some poor unsuspecting garden, and this movie, weeks later, still has a grip on me.  Goddamn you, "It Follows", and your simple manipulation of my fear of the supernatural.

I would easily give this a 4.5 out of 5 stabby knives.
It feels wrong to give anything full marks, but if I was going to this would be on the short list to deserve it.

I would recommend this movie if you're a fan of:
Ambiance and slow suspense. If you are really creeped out by stalkers and "curse" style ghosts this is very similar in mood. If you don't have any desire for much gore to be scared "It follows" is a real winner.

Similar to:
In plot it's kind of like Japanese ghost movies like "Ju-on" or "Black Ghost White Ghost". Newer films like "We Need to Talk About Kevin" and "The Babadook" share its suspense and really attractive cinematography.

More like Quin-WHOA burgers....ugh

Okay that was gross and I apologize but seriously, look at these beautiful sons of bitches.

YEHHHHH

For my first foodie entry I went with something simple but beloved. I love burgers. Burgers of all kinds, except (this is weird) I don't eat beef. I have never eaten beef.  I'm not vegetarian, I just avoid red meat.

Take a breath. Get all your weird questions out now.

WHY? LIKE NEVER REALLY? WOULD YOU NOW THAT YOUR PARENTS DON'T LIVE WITH YOU???

I get all these questions a lot. Answers: My parents don't, therefore I just simply never have. I may have at some point mixed it into some kind of food, it's impossible to know if someone slipped me a beef and pork meatball under the guise of an all pork product. And finally, meh, probably not? I have a weird tum, and red meat is notoriously the hardest to digest, so why bother when I can have these golden, crunchy, veg-plosions on a bun?!

I do have an extreme fondness of black bean burgers, but these goat cheese and quinoa burgers may have won the coveted "God damn that's a fine burger" award. They are garlicky, cheesy, and filling, with just the right amount of crunch. I threw some tomato, lettuce, and "Just Mayo" vegan Sriracha mayo on top. I'm probably going to bring Just Mayo up a bunch. What a super company. I normally really dislike mayo; I'm not fond of eggs and mayo just plain creeps me out. But "Just Mayo" is pea protein based and wonderful. And it comes in fun flavors like Chipotle and Sriracha if mixing two things is a strain on you. I'm not judging, I've bought it. 

Oh but have I mentioned... quinoa burgers make totally rad breakfast sandwiches?

Cause they do. 

That monstrosity in the back is my beau, Brendan's.  And here it is!

Mine is boring. His looks like the breakfast the Hulk would eat. Or maybe the Rock.

Sighhhh....the Rock.

Mine is an English muffin with a freshly fried up quinoa patty and a slice of one of the million tomatoes my CSA has dumped on us. (Featured on the side is a truly magical red plum. It was sooo good you guys, like oh my gawd.)

Bren's is quinoa patty layered with a fried egg, red onions, avocado, and Sriracha. Dang. 

But here's what you're really here for: RECIPE TIME

Crunchy Veggie Quinoa Burgers
Takes like an hour? At most. Probably not even.  

Makes about 6 or 7 burgers depending on how large you would like them.

2 cups cooked quinoa

1/2 an onion

1 sweet pepper (red, green, yellow, whatever floats your boat, friend.) 

2 cloves garlic

1 medium carrot

2 tablespoons flour 

1 cup grated cheddar 

2 oz fresh goat cheese*

1 egg 

1/2 teaspoon salt  

1 teaspoon cumin (or more if you like cumin a bunch, I kinda do so I'm heavy handed)

1/2 teaspoon black pepper

Olive oil or other oil of your choice for frying

-First things first y'all, get that quinoa cooking. It doesn't take super long so keep and eye on it, but you'll probably be able to get everything else done while it boils away.

-Roughly chop all your veggies: pepper, onion, carrot, and garlic so they fit in a food processor. You can mince them all by hand if you don't have a food processor, but it's hella faster with one. They are great little machines. Once chopped into medium-fine bits dump them in a big bowl. 

-When the quinoa is cooked let it cool at least 10 minutes. **

-Add to the veg mixture the flour, cheddar, goat cheese, quinoa, egg, salt, cumin, and black pepper.

-Smoosh it all together in a big squishy pile. The goat cheese will take a bit of stirring in my experience, but just keep smooshing. The mixture should stick together pretty well on its own, at least enough to form patties. If it's really too dry to stick together, try adding another egg. It will be a bit crumbly, but should still be able to hold together long enough to drop it in the oil.  

-Add enough oil to a frying pan to come up about a quarter of an inch on the sides of the quinoa patties. Form your patties carefully place them in already hot oil over a medium flame. Trust me. Be patient, let it get warm. The best way seems to be putting a formed patty on the end of a spatula and sliding it into the pan to keep you from being splashed by scalding hot oil. And keep the heat high enough for them to sizzle and pop, but the slower you cook them on one side before flipping them the easier it will be. It lets them set up more and less likely to crumble while you flippy flop 'em.

-Once they are golden and crispy on both sides, slap it on a bun with your favorite toppings and you've got yourself one crispitty crunchitty super satisfying little vegetarian burger!

I have plans to work on a vegan version, with some fun "cheeze" add-ins. It's in the works!

*I used about half a small 4 oz log of fresh chevre. If you have a fave use that, but mid-softness works best it seems, so nothing to watery or hard. Don't like goat cheese? Try another soft cheese! Ricotta? Cottage? Try it!

**You can make the quinoa earlier if you'd like, I haven't noticed much of a difference using completely cool quinoa vs warm

In this installment of "Kids are always creepy little shits"

"HERE COMES THE DEVIL"
2012
Director: Adrian Garcia Bogliano
Language: Spanish
Is it on NETFLIX?: Yup. For now it is!

The basics: 
"Here Comes the Devil" sounds tried and true devil possession on it's surface. A family, kids go up the mountain normal, come down "not-totally-right". Parents go "what the heck happened???" and try to understand the events that occurred in a strange cave in a mountain side near Tijuana. Never let your children explore caves, it doesn't end well. Haven't you all seen "The Descent"? I will give these parents one thing; they are hard as fuck. I'm not gonna mess around with them.

What's not to love in a movie that opens with a lesbian sex scene?
Don't watch it with your parents unless you're up for a night of awkward silence through "Here Comes the Devil"s several sex scenes and penchant for nudity. For a movie described as being about evil rugrats they work an AWFUL lot of nips in.  
"Here Comes the Devil"combined a lot of things I appreciate in a movie. Unique landscapes, Satanic themes, and that interesting feel of not being entirely sure what time period it's set it. Is it 1970? 1995? 2015???? Who knows!? Not me and I don't care. (There is a couple brief moments that involve cell phones, but outside of that this movie could take place any time.) A scene involving a psychedelic dream-like sequence should come with a epilepsy warning but does a super job of making the already strange ambiance of "Here Comes the Devil" even more uncomfortable. Dialogue is simple and to the point with a few particularly shining lines.  It is in Spanish, which unfortunately I was desperately unable to pick up in middle school; I'm sure there's some subtly lost in translation. One thing you will learn about me is I am a GLUTTON for foreign horror. I can't get enough Spanish, Mexican, Irish, Japanese, Korean horror. GIMME DEM SUBTITLES. Spanish and Mexican indie horror flicks really have my heart. They tend soulful, and often sad while maintaining a sense or maybe-supernatural or maybe-reality all that and being spooky as shit. "Here Comes the Devil" is no exception. Good on you guys. 
Bogliano clearly knows how to cater a movie to my interests, "Here Comes the Devil" plays to my deep affection for anything Satan; possessions, cults, demon supernatural activity. I love it all.One of his other movies is on Netflix as well. "Late Phases" is a clever and compelling werewolf movie that felt strangely different from most werewolf movies. But we'll get into that one later.  
All around I definitely found "Here Comes the Devil" worth a watch. It has an odd and uneasy aesthetic, with a well handled ending. If you can put up with a mildly slow beginning and aren't one of those "I hate subtitles" types, it has rewarding pay off. 

I would give it 3.5 out 5 little skulls 

I would recommend this movie if you are a fan of:
Exploitation film style camera pans. Minimal gore, but the few scenes that involve it are relatively intense. My roommate seemed to be taken by surprise and let out and audible gasp/noise of being grossed out, I had to agree. A series of spontaneous, but fairly "creative" sex scenes. Stories about creepy children or satanic possession.

Similar to:
That's kinda roughhhhh..."Here Comes the Devil" is bizarre and a bit out there.  In Cinematography, a bit like a grindhouse movie, similar to "Planet Terror", or most things Tarentino. Thematically I'd go for movies like "Starry Eyes" classics like "The Omen" and "Rosemary's Baby" as well as heading the direction of Rob Zombies "Lords of Salem".